Humor
Saving the Fourth
You can imagine my surprise when – come 2:00 in the morning – I had no thunderous blasts rattling the window, no debris raining down on the roof. In fact, I didn’t hear anything: no hooting, no whoo-ing, no profanity. Even the hair band music that thumps off the siding of the houses in the cul-de-sac behind us was silenced.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )How to Annoy Your Child
Daniel’s nose is crinkling now. I wait for the stoplight by the bank to turn green for my lane, so I can head down the main street of Belvidere… ironically not called Main Street (that’s two blocks over).
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )Tinth Anniversary
She passed on the canned fruit cocktail I had poured out. It was in heavy syrup (and when they say heavy, they mean heavy; it was essentially fruit flavored gravy). I guess she didn’t care much for the guava nectar either. It was imported from Mexico and the only kind of juice I could find in an actual tin can. Most beverages are in aluminum cans these days
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )Microwave Memories
The explosion had literally blown the door off the microwave. It was hanging open by one hinge and – to my horror – it was still on! We dropped to the floor to dodge the deadly radiation.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )Signs of the Times
I took a look at the project specs on-line. The plan is to resurface much of Route 20 all the way to the Iowa state line. Our little resurfacing project here in Boone County is a little less than six miles long and is expected to cost a bit over three million dollars.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )In Search of the Millionth Word
I thought the millionth English word might be something obvious that had been overlooked up to that point. “Word” was listed. “English” was in there as well. “Millionth” was – technically – out of the running.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )Wikipediacs Anonymous
It started out innocently enough. I was looking up information on one single topic. In fact, I was using Google to do so. One of the links just happened to go to Wikipedia. I think you know what happened next.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )A Fish Story
My first cast went about three feet, but my next one hit the river. Daniel did better; he hit the deep water on his first try. And when we left after an hour or so, our little Styrofoam cooler had his sole catch on ice.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Daniel Cooks Dinner
We had a chicken thawing in the refrigerator. Meka has a great recipe for it on the grill. I threw the football with Daniel until the shadows covered most of the backyard. It was almost 8:00 by then and neither the chicken nor Meka had moved.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Third Grade Origami
“So what did you do in school today?” I asked. I ask this almost every day and usually get one of the following answers:
* “Same thing as yesterday.”
* “I don’t remember.”
* “I had recess and then I ate lunch.”
Senior Moment at the Age of Nine
Daniel was half eating / half wearing a caramel sundae. We were seated at one of the tall tables in the front of the restaurant. “I think I’m losing my mind,” said Daniel. I had to ask.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )Hey, Hey, We Were the Monkees
It was my dream that we could be just like the Monkees. There were four of us and there were four of them. Out of our group, I was the only one who played any kind of musical instrument, but – even then – I didn’t see that as a major obstacle.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )Welcome! You Have Porn!
I had been connecting to computers for years, primarily via bulletin board systems. However, I could only connect to one computer at a time that way. And – unless I had a lot of money to put towards the phone bill – I couldn’t connect to a system unless it was nearby.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )College Memories: Hair!
I needed to be ready to sing a song between the years 1965 and 1975. I picked Norwegian Wood by the Beatles. I quickly figured out I was in trouble when I showed up with a cassette of Rubber Soul to sing along with. Everyone else brought sheet music.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )Three Little Words
Often times Daniel looks as confused and mystified as I do; he truly doesn’t know why he did what he did. This was one of those times.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )If This Blog Were a Tweet, You’d Be Done By Now
The longest “tweet” you can write is only 140 characters long. I had a nasty case of writer’s block for ten years; I don’t need any help in not-writing. Besides, how much can you really say in 140 characters? If this blog were a tweet, I would have ended at “The longest tw”.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 3 so far )Sanitized for your Protection
The men’s room door had a very official looking number pad on the door. I was issued a five digit code in order to gain entry. That’s one digit more than grants you access to the WOPR in War Games. I was prepared to be impressed.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Daniel and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
I knew something was up by the way Daniel dragged his feet along the blacktop to the truck. He climbed in and slammed the door shut, then slouched down as far as the seat belt would allow.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )In Case of Tornado
Last January, a tornado dropped out the sky north of us and wiped out the apple orchard we frequent for our Halloween needs. I was upstairs in my office when I heard the sirens come to life. I didn’t waste any time. Daniel was already in the basement.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )For Pregnancy
We had a cabinet in our kitchen that held all the vitamins. My dad took ones called One-A-Day. That made sense. I knew he took them daily. My vitamins were from The Flintstones and they were chewable. That meant they didn’t leave a horrific taste in your mouth like the One-A-Day vitamins did.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )At Whom the Bell Tolls
Daniel watched her intently as she took the order, took my money and arranged our chicken on the plastic tray. We sat down at one of the booths by the front windows. Daniel seemed distracted. Normally, he’s very interested in the world outside on State Street. Instead, he kept looking back at the serious young woman behind the counter.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 3 so far )Eat Me, I’m Irish
He had added green food coloring to the dough before frying up the glazed donuts. I made that mistake last year when Daniel and I baked a dragon cake for Cub Scouts. What starts as green doesn’t necessarily stay green when cooked.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )Radio Memories – Donut Run
I did have access to the station van. I also used it for donut runs in the middle of the night. “Station business” was a nebulous term; the way I saw it, WPGU ran on donuts, coffee and cigarettes just as much as electricity.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Chicago Winters Exposed
We don’t like the cold any more than anyone else does. We watch Bears games in the snow… I don’t know why we watch Bears games in the snow. I think alcohol might be involved.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )College Memories – Fake ID
I’d never seen him so excited. It was all he could talk about. He told me what bars he was going to hit, what he planned to drink. I didn’t see what the big deal was; he already drank a lot without being able to get into bars. But I kept my opinions to myself.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )Daniel’s Pay Per View
With my “parental discount”, I got into Daniel’s newest show for just a nickel. However, I was in the cheap seats, behind every stuffed animal pet he owns sitting in a big pile on the bed in front of me.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Cheap Shots at Burger King
It turned out Burger Shots are small hamburgers, smaller than the regular hamburgers at Burger King. I had a flashback to high school. We sold a similar product when I was on the other side of the counter. Back then we called them “Burger Bundles”, which was almost as stupid of a name as Burger Shots.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 3 so far )Say it with Balloons
Balloons to Daniel are what crack is to an addict. I pulled him away from helium filled temptation and made him focus on looking through the selection of flowers while I found a card. Daniel filled the cart with about eight dozen roses. I gently explained that love is more about quality than quantity.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Thank God It’s Friday?
Meka was sick on Friday the 13th. Daniel was sick as well. I complained on Friday, February 13, 2004, that I had to wait in a huge line at Hallmark to buy Meka a Valentines Day card. To be fair, I think that had less to do with Friday the 13th and more to do with my procrastination.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )Internet – 1, Imagination – 0
These days, I let my mind wander through Wikipedia and other sites online. I find I learn something new every day. Whether I actually want to learn it is another story. When it comes to romance, I don’t even like to kiss and tell.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )An American Take on Cricket
At the top of each hour, the very properly professional (or professionally proper) English voice will intone the headlines of the day. However, it doesn’t matter what they are: assassination, flooding, general upheaval. “It’s the end of the world, you’re listening to BBC World News, but first – the Cricket Report.”
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 4 so far )Notes from the Gilded Cage
Living in a suburban sprawl, you have to have access to a car. Even a trek to the corner gas station is a three mile round trip. I’ve walked it a few times when the weather was nice, but with a wind chill dipping below zero, that wasn’t a possibility.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Haunted Pizza Trek
Daniel thinks the original series is best. He likes the action and the music. I have them all on DVD so we can quickly skip past Captain Kirk getting all mushy with the alien girls.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )The Battle of the Giraffe Report
I started dropping hints about reading the book and how we’d have to start working on the report soon. No dice. The “hints” were raised to “suggestions” then – finally – “ultimatums”.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Gas Station Love Affair
I’d like to blame my state of mind on fatigue. I was just back from out of town. I had a long drive. Snow was involved. To the untrained eye, it was easy to see similarities. They were both the same shape and size. The plastic lids were compatible. Both held 44 ounces. Even the coloring was close. The Speedway “S” was almost the same shade of the Kelley Williamson signature blue.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Blame it on the Cold
Meka wondered, “How can they play their instruments when it’s so cold?” Generally it’s not a good idea to subject a priceless instrument to sub-freezing temperatures. We scrutinized the television and threw up some theories. My thought was they were playing on less priceless instruments. Like most conspiracy theories, it turned out the truth was something neither of us had considered.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Daniel Goes to Press
I asked him what he was doing.
“I’m taking pictures for my newspaper,” he replied.
There are times in my life when I feel as if I’ve been transported to the set of some sitcom from the seventies.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )It Came from the Want Ads!
I used to work for an alien. He didn’t come right out and say he was an alien. He never pulled his face off or tried to eat me or anything like that. But I had my suspicions from the beginning…
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Apocalypse Again
The Church of the Livingstone and Mission for the Coming Days sent out a press release the world was due to end on October 28, 1992, at midnight, Korean time. The world was still around at 12:01, Korean time, but we played R.E.M. anyway.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Getting Hammered in Sunday School
The recommended song was – of course – If I Had a Hammer. Looking in my vast audio archives, I discovered three versions of the song to choose from. I had the Trini Lopez version. That was a hit back in the early sixties, but sounds a bit dated now. Completely opposite of that, I have a version by Leonard Nimoy, of all people (should have been called If I Had a Phaser).
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )The Gift of Grey
I grew it out once in college to win a bet. It’s a bit uneven and I ended up with mutton chops (think less of Elvis and more of Isaac Asimov). Since then, when I attempt to look rugged (the wife calls it my “homeless drifter” look); it’s less of a deliberate effect and more because I was too lazy to shave that week.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Civic First Impressions
Belvidere is – technically – the City of Murals. However, the number of visitors that come specifically to Belvidere for the murals probably equal the number of visitors who go to Casablanca for the waters.
Belvidere – of course – is home to the Belvidere Oasis on the Northwest Tollway. This is how I describe where I live to people not familiar with the area (next time you drive past, wave; that’s basically my backyard).
Updated State Mottos
Wisconsin – our neighbor to the north – seems like a rustic destination to most. This isn’t totally fair. However, every Friday like clockwork travelers trek past my home lugging their bass boats and snowmobiles to spend time in “America’s Dairyland”: hunting, fishing and partaking of the state beverage (which – oddly enough – has no connection to cows).
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )The Unexpurgated Jingle Bells
Jingle Bells was written in 1857 by James Lord Pierpont who happened to be a Unitarian. Because of this “special” connection to the song, we sang the complete version of Jingle Bells in Children’s Chapel on Sunday morning.
Before you ask, the complete song does not include any references to Batman.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )Catch 22.0
According to Microsoft support, my problem was caused by Windows (helpfully it mentioned Windows was created by the Microsoft Corporation). There was no solution for the problem, but it mentioned I might be missing some updates that could help improve my stability.
Windows updates come out all the time, so it was altogether possible I was missing one or seven.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )How You Say…
I have been known to speak Scouse on occasion to cut through the superficial crap (“as it were”) and to cut right to the heart of the matter (“there”). I want to take the time to explain I don’t do it to mock Liverpool. I like Liverpool. They gave the world the Beatles (thanks, by the way).
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Smiling in School Pictures
Daniel was neat and clean and well groomed. The problem was his smile. Somewhere in the last year or two, he’s forgotten how to smile. I think he’s figured out it takes something like 17 muscles to smile, but he doesn’t have them all under control.
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