Santa Claus vs. The Tooth Fairy

“If you get something nice now under your pillow, that means you may only get a dollar in your stocking on Christmas Day.”

“That’s okay,” said Daniel. “That way I don’t have to be as good at Christmas.”

Free Range Tree

We stopped at Ack Ack Nursery to see what they had for sale that met all of our arboreal criteria. The tree had to be taller than we were. It had to be big enough to support the weight of the occasional bird. Most importantly, we needed a tree that couldn’t escape.

White Shirt Blues

I pressed the Fanta button and stepped to the side so the first few purple drops of soda hit my arm instead of my shirt. I could wash my arm. I dropped the drinks off at the table and stopped Daniel from banging on the ketchup packets with his fists before disaster ensued.

All You Can Eat

“Daniel, I’m sorry I ever doubted you,” I said. “You really don’t like anything more than mashed potatoes, do you?”

Off to See the Wizard

I pointed out how the film went to color when Dorothy arrived in Oz. It turned out Daniel hadn’t noticed. He just thought it was “the color of Kansas” before that.

Childhood Conspiracy Theory

“Black and white pictures have shades of gray, no colors.” Daniel gave me a long look.

“Dad, are you obfuscating me?”

I almost choked on my malt.

Dad Homework

“You know your children better than I do. Please tell me in a million words or less about their passions and their strengths. How do you think their story will be written in the future?” Wow, I thought to myself, it’s been a long time since I had to write a theme for school.

White Castle Word Problem

I came up with 14,038,358,400 sliders required to reach the moon and back.

“You forgot the ones for lunch,” said Daniel.

Oops. I came up with 14,038,358,404 sliders.

Memories – The Case of Cichy’s Eyes

I could hear the sharp intakes of breath from my companions across the room. Cichy was making this odd gurgling noise. It was either a sinus condition or a large parasitic worm was preparing to crawl up out of his throat and eat my face.

Up, Up and Away – Finally

I don’t make many impulse buys, but my co-worker noticed the nosecone sticking out of the plastic bag as I put it in the trunk.

“What are you going to do with that?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe I’ll save it for my kids.”

Memories – Radio Shack Customers

The first job I got out of college was the position of “Assistant Manager” at Radio Shack. It sounds more glamorous than it actually was. We had two types of customers: the know-it-all customers and the know-nothing customers.

Daniel Discovers the Moon

It occurred to me this was a case of too much information. We’ve trained telescopes on the moon for four hundred years. We’ve sent spacecraft past it. A dozen men have walked on it. When you can go to a museum and inspect a piece of the moon up close, what can you discover with a standard set of eyeballs from a quarter million miles away?