Daniel’s Pay Per View


There was a knock on my office door.  I had been waiting for it; Daniel had been working quietly in his room for far too long.

“What is it, Daniel?”  I asked, “And how much is it going to cost me?”  With my “parental discount”, I got into Daniel’s newest show for just a nickel.  However, I was in the cheap seats, behind every stuffed animal pet he owns sitting in a big pile on the bed in front of me.  The floor was covered with Hot Wheels plastic tracks.  When the tracks had run out, Daniel had switched to Lego base plates with roadways printed on them.  And every square inch was covered in cars.  It was a miniature traffic jam.

“Welcome to the ‘Need for Speed’,” said Daniel, “But first, a word from the sponsors.”

Wait a second.

“Let me get this straight,” I started.  “I paid five cents and I still have to watch commercials?”  Apparently, the sponsors – Daniel’s pets Oscar and Woof – only subsidized the race rather than pay for it completely.  I learned Oscar was “everybody’s favorite” and Woof now came in “non-pompous”.  Daniel revved up a yellow, vaguely insectoid, sports car and proceeded to crash it into pretty much every other car on the track in a vast orgy of violence and destruction complete with squealing tire sound effects and explosions.

The real ‘Need for Speed’ cost us something like forty dollars for the Wii.  The one time I tried playing it, I lasted probably a hundredth as long as Daniel’s demonstration.  So, all in all, I have to say I got my nickel’s worth.  As for the support of Oscar and Woof, I guess I got off easy.  I might have had to sit through a pledge drive instead.

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