America, Farewell (1985)


America, you can be proud of yourself. You have been the biggest problem for my country, the U.S.S.R., for a long, long time. Your capitalistic views have plagued my country for nearly seventy years. Unfortunately for you, capitalism, the value you so treasure, will ultimately be your downfall,

We feel the same way about your country as you feel about ours. The only difference is that we have tried to lessen our anger by eliminating the problem at its source.

If it hadn’t been for the atomic bomb, you would be part of Russia now. You called our great – now deceased – leader, Joseph Stalin, “good old Joe”, when in reality, “good old Joe” was about to invade your country by way of Alaska. Then you destroyed Hiroshima. Stalin decided that your development of nuclear weapons was superior to ours and figured we should keep you around a while longer. Your history books record these decisions as “Luckily, good old Joe had a few troops left that weren’t in Europe. They invaded Manchuria just days after we nuked Japan.”

The decade after the end of World War II, I must admit that if we had invaded you, you would’ve given us a run for our money. So we turned to an alternate plan. We would destroy your nation from the inside through sneakiness.

Our first move could’ve ended the U.S.A. for good had we not abandoned the idea of hypnotic television programs because of the belief television was a passing fad. Our second move did a little more damage to your society. You called it “The Korean Conflict”. Even though we didn’t quite make the world safe for communism, we     got rid of a few people who would’ve made our battles harder. The one most remembered was named General Douglas Macarthur.

The following years brought our ideals to a standstill as Stalin became sick then died. On top of that, the Space Race (as you so fondly call it) had begun. Not to mention the fact that a few individuals shouted communist at every little noise in the night and in every dark shadow. Paranoia made our diminished operations nearly impossible.

That’s enough on world history at large because this is where my colleague and I enter the Russian picture for world domination.

I’m sorry. In my eagerness to show you your doom, I have completely forgotten my manners. My name is Dr. Yuri Dropov. I am a scientist whose specialty is the human brain. I came to work with my colleague Ivan Sandvitch during the late 1950’s. I considered myself to be ambitious, but I was nothing compared to Ivan. His goal in life was to end the America problem single-handedly; no small task as I frequently reminded him. But his beliefs were never clouded by such things as Truth or Common Sense.

America’s destruction was his obsession. He worked day and night on various projects designed to ruin your society. At night and on weekends he would be found sitting in a library studying about America to detect any weaknesses in the structure of your lives. It took years, but his determination finally paid off.

One night in 1963, Ivan met me in a bar. This was highly unusual behavior. I asked him why he had decided to come. In all the time I had known him, he had never once drunk alcohol in any form. He wouldn’t answer any of my questions, but my persistence – not to mention the seven straight vodkas he downed – eventually opened him up.

“Yuri, my friend, I have finally done it.” I believe this is what he said. I am not sure because after seven straight vodkas, your mouth doesn’t work quite normally. He began telling me about his secret work.

He called his plans “Project Infiltration”. It seems that for many years he had been studying habits of Americans; small idiosyncrasies that could be used for our advantage. He had finally found one. Unknowingly, I had helped him. Being a specialist on the human brain, I had been assigned to create a substance that could render a mind extremely susceptible to suggestion. I had completed my task several months earlier by making a liquid substance which, upon entering the body, did what I was required to create. It seemed, he had taken a small amount of my supply (I had thought it had evaporated) and learned to make it in large quantities, something I hadn’t ever been able to do.

At this point, the seven vodkas caused him to pass out. I never learned the secret of how he was going to administer the drug to some two hundred million plus Americans, but that didn’t seem to worry him when I saw him, the next day, boarding a jetliner for your country.

I have since moved to different fields of work. The group which was in control of these covert operations was disbanded when Jimmy Carter became your leader. Ivan, surprisingly, never returned to Russia. Even now, he is somewhere among you, destroying your country.

Every now and then I could detect Ivan’s work and my drug through bits of news on your Voice of America. I am certain Jane Fonda was his earliest experiment in the late 1960’s. The people against the Vietnam War were products of Ivan’s work. I have reason to believe that Ivan implanted my drug in illegal drugs. I would’ve never thought of this and. I was very sorry for Ivan when it seemed the youth of America didn’t use drugs anymore.

For ten years, Ivan has been silent. Now, in 1985, I again can see Ivan at work. This time I know he will not fail. We have little to fear from the U.S.A. now. Your president, though it seems to be the opposite, has little effect and his power will be declining in the years ahead.

Even though your president with all his defense measures towards us is popular, they are no match for the popularity of Ivan’s “Project Infiltration”. And though, even at this moment, missiles and bombs are being created with more and more devastating results, nothing is as powerful as “the smoother, rounder, bolder taste” of Ivan’s creation.

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