Report from Planet Earth (1985)


To: The Galactic Supreme Scientist, Planet M-536

From: Earth Archeological Team, Planet M0001

Date: February 28, 1001985 (local planet time)

Your Excellency:

After three years on this planet, we have finally found something worth reporting: a town, perfectly preserved. This town has been buried, according to our iridium dating process, for about one million Earth years.

This miracle was accomplished after the final world war. Hundreds of nuclear weapons poisoned the Earth’s atmosphere with radioactive dust and debris, called fallout in the archaic dialect they used. This town, called Schaumburg by its occupants, was suddenly buried by nearly one hundred meters of fallout. We do not know why a hundred meters of fallout fell on Schaumburg when only a few centimeters were found elsewhere. In any case this town, like its mythological predecessor Pompeii, is a sample of daily life of Homo Sapiens in the year 1985.

The first major finding is that we have discovered they were fanatically religious. Nearly everyone in Schaumburg worshipped a god named Arc. On every certain seventh earth day, they would leave offerings outside their homes. These offerings were placed in ceremonial steel urns and/or large translucent sacks obviously of holy qualities.

During the night, Arc would take the form of a large black beast. The priests of Arc would feed the offerings to him. Arc would eat the sacks, but never the urns. We haven’t figured out why yet.

On every certain thirtieth earth day, the priests of Arc would send each family a mass produced note asking for monetary donations. All of the believers gave out of fear. Fear of their God.

Arc worship, like most dominating religions, had few non-believers. These radicals would not leave offerings for Arc. The public treated them as outcasts and Arc would put a spell over their homes. The spell would give a house a smell of rot and death. The spell reminded the non-believers to leave offerings, and pay donations, or face the consequences.

The second major finding was the discovery of an ancient knowledge bank called a library. Though we have not totally unearthed it, we have already found a tool which will help us decipher their language. This tool is a book which contains all of the words in the English language and their definitions. There are several flaws in this book. It was probably outlawed by Arc priests. One, it is big and bulky because of the complexities of the English language. Two, there is no definition for the word Arc. Three, the meaning for the English word offering, spelled g-a-r-b-a-g-e, seems to be written in an insulting tone. We will report again when we answer some of these questions.

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